Being There When It Hurts: How to Stay Present with Difficult Emotions
- teresamortellsteve
- May 29
- 3 min read
Supporting someone you care about when they’re overwhelmed, angry, or deeply sad isn’t easy. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, being with someone in emotional pain can feel confusing, even threatening. Many people find this emotional territory hard to navigate - and that’s completely understandable.
When we begin to understand that our own feelings and the feelings of others are separate, we’re more able to stay grounded and alongside someone else in their pain. This not only supports the other person, it often deepens the emotional connection between us.
The Temptation to Fix or Avoid
When someone we love is distressed, many of us instinctively want to help, fix, or reassure. We say things like “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out,” or offer practical advice. Sometimes, we go quiet or even change the subject. These responses come from a good place - but they can unintentionally cut off emotional connection.
Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, reminds us that rushing into problem-solving can actually dismiss another person’s emotional experience. Instead, he advocates pausing to fully connect with our own feelings and those of the other person before taking action.
How Our Own History Shapes Our Reactions
The way we respond to emotional overwhelm in relationships is often rooted in childhood. If we grew up around silent anger, a stiff upper lip, comfort eating, or the search for silver linings during adversity, we may not have developed the tools to sit with strong emotions - ours or others’.
In my own therapeutic journey, I came to recognise these patterns in my family. I learned how discomfort with big feelings - mine and others’ - had shaped my adult relationships. Like many, I’d adapted to fit in, avoiding emotional intensity rather than meeting it with curiosity. But with support, I began to build tolerance, and I saw real change in how I communicated and connected with my loved ones.
This isn’t about blaming anyone. These coping strategies often get passed down through generations. Understanding them gives us the chance to break the cycle.
What It Means to Hold Space
So, how do we stay present when someone is angry, overwhelmed, or in pain?
To hold space is to listen without solving, to be there without fixing, and to stay grounded rather than reactive. It’s about building emotional resilience - so we can remain steady even when emotions around us feel intense.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple relationships, emphasises the importance of self-soothing in moments of emotional flooding:
“If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your partner is trying to tell you... That’s why taking a break to self-soothe is essential.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999)
Learning to respond instead of react is a skill that takes time, patience, and sometimes, support.
Connection Is a Practice, Not a Perfection
If you notice that you struggle to stay present with someone’s sadness or anger, you’re not alone. It doesn’t mean you’re uncaring - it often means you’re overwhelmed too. Recognising this is the first step. Support - whether through therapy, self-reflection, or relational learning - can help us strengthen our ability to sit with someone’s feelings without fixing, and foster greater empathy in close relationships.
As a therapist offering relationship counselling in Ealing, I often work with clients who find this emotional territory hard to navigate. When we begin to build awareness of our own responses and make space for others without losing ourselves, the quality and depth of our relationships can shift in powerful ways.
If you’d like 1-to-1 support, feel free to get in touch.
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