Boundaries and Beach Towels: Finding Breathing Space on Group Holidays

With holiday season upon us there has been lots of chatter in my circles about the challenges we face when holidaying with extended family and friends.  The topics have spanned themes of coping with friends’ emotional outbursts, making decisions by group consensus, different attitudes towards spending money on holiday, the desire to rest, and saying “Yes” we mean “No”. 

Moulding ourselves to others in the hope of keeping harmony - especially in friendships or group settings - can impact our own well-being. When we are faced with too many of these challenges we may long to return home, for a place that better supports our wellbeing, or feel that group holidays are just not for us.

Often, the challenges we experience in relationships on holiday are also present at home. When surrounded by people around the clock we become more aware of the issues.

I am going to briefly explore two areas of challenge you may start to notice on holiday and share some tips that could help you have a healthier holiday.

Challenge 1 – Protecting your personal limits

Have you found yourself sharing a room with a friend who wants to stay up talking long after you’re ready to sleep each night. You feel drained, but don’t know how to say: “I need quiet after midnight, can we catch up earlier tomorrow?”

Boundaries are our personal emotional, physical, financial, or energetic limits and these are often tested in shared or intense environments like holidays.

Here’s some of the examples of boundary challenges:

• Time boundaries: Needing downtime when others expect constant socialising

• Space boundaries: Sharing accommodation, or being constantly with others, when you need personal space

• Financial boundaries: Feeling pressured to spend more money than you're comfortable with, or have put aside for your holiday (another blog to follow on “conversations about money”)

• Emotional boundaries: Being drawn into others' disputes

A small shift you could try:

Holding your boundaries doesn’t have to come with a big speech or a dramatic exit - sometimes it can just look like heading off for a solo coffee or claiming the hammock before the group chat starts again.

On holiday, it’s okay to be the person who ducks out for a nap, takes the longer walk alone, or reads a book while others debate dinner plans. These little moments of space can make the together-time more enjoyable and keep you feeling more like you.

 

Challenge 2 - Prioritising others’ needs or comfort at the expense of your own

Despite awareness of your needs or preferences do you regularly engage in activities or events you didn’t want to do?  Maybe you are concerned about what others think about you, or worried about being seen as boring or difficult.

On holiday this might look like:

• Difficulty voicing preferences when presented with questions like ‘Where would you like to eat tonight?’ or ‘What shall we do today?”

• Going along with group plans even when tired, uninterested in the activity, or just wanting time alone

• Not getting enough rest or sleep, or eating at times and frequencies that don’t suit you  (suppressing your own needs)

• Feeling responsible for everyone getting along together and others having a good time.

A people-pleaser tends to prioritise others’ needs or comfort at the expense of their own, often driven by a desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or maintain harmony.

Changing a pattern of people-pleasing can be a long process. However, it’s possible to start changing any time, and on holiday we may have more time and space to pause, observe and try these steps. 

Even pausing to experiment with the first step can shift your experience.

Here’s my suggested change steps – you don’t have to do them all:

1. Notice where in your body you experience an internal sensation and ask yourself “If that part of your body could speak, what might it say?

2. Consider “What emotion do you think this might be connected to?” or  “What might you be needing in this moment?”  (You are linking the sensation to your emotion or need.)

3. Reflect “What would your automatic response be here?” and “what do you fear might happen if you say no or ask for what you need?”  (Increasing self-awareness of impulsive behaviours is a key step to changing an unhelpful pattern.)

4. Practice a new response (initially with yourself) – Can you imagine what it would feel like in your body to say “No” or even to say “Can I get back to you?”  (These are micro-shifts represent progress).

5. Reassure and soothe your nervous system.  It’s important to acknowledge and soothe that fear. The discomfort of not people-pleasing makes sense.  Some self-talk, such as “it makes sense that saying no feels unsafe” and “you don’t have to be unkind to be honest.”

 It’s entirely human to bend a little and make space for others - that’s part of what makes relationships meaningful. But if you find yourself regularly putting your own needs on hold, even a holiday can feel more draining than joyful.

Therapy can help you grow in self-awareness and gently shift those long-held patterns. If you’re curious about how we might work together, I’d love to hear from you.

Sometimes the most important part of a group holiday… is the moment you take for yourself