When You Can’t Talk About Your Relationship Struggles

Picture this: You’ve met a friend for coffee and he’s telling you all about what’s happening in his new job, you sip your coffee and for a moment catch yourself and realise that you are miles away.  There’s something stopping you from bringing your whole self to this moment – the words you want to share feel unspeakable.  Feel unbearably weighed down by the strain in a relationship but voicing that feels impossible?

Each time you consider telling your wonderful friend your head goes to the “What ifs”. What if they judge me? What if they tell me all relationships have tricky phases? What if they say “just leave”? – when it’s not that simple.

The stress of holding on to your problems can result in feelings of overwhelm, stuckness and isolation. Yet fear of what may happen if you speak up keeps you in the same place.

1.      Why People Stay Silent

Let’s look at three key reasons why you might stay silent.

Fear of judgment

Sharing a difficult part of our life can feel vulnerable, and we often fear disapproval or negative judgment, even from close friends. We may feel unable to risk hearing their criticism. It can make us hold back thoughts and feelings to avoid rejection or embarrassment.

Shame

Shame convinces us that our struggles make us unworthy of love or connection. It whispers that speaking up will lead to judgment or rejection. This fear can silence us, even when we desperately need support. Left unspoken, shame grows - but sharing it in safe spaces helps loosen its grip.

Loyalty

Loyalty can make us hesitate to speak out, especially when we fear betraying someone we care about. We may worry about damaging the relationship or causing hurt. This sense of duty to protect others often leads to silence, even when our own emotional well-being is at risk.

Family or cultural expectations can also shape how freely we speak - some of us were taught to keep struggles private or to avoid ‘causing trouble’.

2.      What happens when we bottle up emotions?

Put simply bottling up our emotions creates more stress.  Maybe you experience some of these:

• Pushing down your emotions - resulting in them building up rather than disappearing.  I describe it like a bubbling saucepan with a lid on.  The lid starts to lift due to the pressure, little bits start to spill out and the lid rattles. Maybe you’ve noticed: unexpected outbursts of emotions over small things that often wouldn’t bother you or feeling emotionally numb or burned out.

• A stress response in your body. Activation of your sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight mode) looks like: increased heart rate and blood pressure; higher levels of cortisol - the stress hormone- feeling anxious, possibly gut problems; and decreased immune function such as more frequent colds and being unwell.

• Feeling mentally exhausted. Constantly monitoring and editing your emotional expression is mentally exhausting.  This makes everyday stress feel harder to manage.

• Disrupted connections. We’re wired for connection, and emotions are part of how we communicate and feel understood. When we bottle up our emotions, we can: feel isolated or uncared for; struggle to receive support from others; miss out of opportunities to feel understood, which helps feel more regulated.

3.      The Importance of Safe Spaces

Talking to the right people (friends, a therapist, a support group) can help.

When you're holding in relationship struggles, talking can feel risky - especially if you're unsure how others will respond. That's why who you talk to matters. Safe spaces - whether it's a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group - offer non-judgmental listening, validation, and new perspectives. You don’t need to have it all figured out to speak; just being heard can reduce stress and help you feel less alone. The right listener won't rush to fix things or take sides - they’ll help you explore what you need, in your own time. Change starts with feeling safe enough to speak.

4.      How to Start the Conversation 

Starting a conversation about relationship struggles can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Begin gently - you might say, “I’ve been thinking about something that feels difficult and can’t work it out. I could use a listening ear,” or “Can I share something that’s been on my mind?”  By testing the waters this way, you might gauge if the person feels safe and supportive. You don’t need to go into every detail right away. Trust builds through small, honest moments. Even sharing that it’s hard to talk can be a powerful opening. It’s okay to take your time. Don’t be rushed to say more that you are comfortable with - you set the pace.

5.      Seeking Professional Support

Sometimes, even the most caring friends can’t offer the space or support we truly need. That’s where therapy comes in. A trained professional provides a confidential, non-judgmental environment where you can explore your relationship struggles without pressure or bias. Unlike friends, a therapist won't offer quick fixes or take sides - instead, they help you understand patterns, express your needs, and find your own way forward. Whether you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just unsure, therapy can offer steadiness in the storm. You don’t have to wait for things to get worse - support is valid at any stage.